Written by ☕ Thursday.
⏰ 8:03 AM.
The office coffee machine was already broken.
Which, according to Trevor from IT,
“set the tone for the entire week.”
Trevor stood in the kitchen staring into the void while the coffee machine aggressively beeped at him like it wanted a fight.
“I.T. DOESN’T FIX COFFEE MACHINES, GUYS!” 😭
He shouted it for the fourth time that morning.
Nobody listened.
Because this office had one golden rule:
⚡ If it has electricity, it’s Trevor’s problem.
⌨️ Samantha Has Entered The Chat
Across the office, Samantha the Loud Typist had arrived.
CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK.
Every keypress sounded like she was submitting tax documents during an earthquake.
Candice from Marketing slowly removed one AirPod.
“Sam…”
“Why are you typing like the government is timing you?” 😭
Samantha didn’t even look up.
“I TYPE FAST WHEN I’M STRESSED.”
“What are you stressed about?”
“I DON’T KNOW YET.” 💀
Fair enough.
🚶 Jason And The Empty Folder Mystery
Meanwhile, Jason the Fake Busy Walker was already on his seventh lap around the office carrying the same empty blue folder.
Nobody knew what was inside it.
People suspected nothing.
But the man walked with PURPOSE.
He nodded at random people like he was late for a board meeting that didn’t exist.
Bianca from Accounts watched him pass for the third time.
“If this man walks past me one more time…”
“I’m reporting him to Discovery for cardio fraud.” 🏃♂️
📧 8:17 AM — Disaster Arrives
The office atmosphere shifted.
Michelle.
😨 The Reply-All Terrorist.
She had entered the building.
People felt it before they saw it.
Like a weather system.
Like Eskom stages.
Like danger.
She sat down, opened Outlook, cracked her fingers dramatically…
…and replied-all to a company-wide email about missing yoghurt in the fridge.
Good morning everyone 😊
Just to clarify, the yoghurt was labelled.
Please respect people’s property.
Thanks.
Kind regards,
Michelle
📨 Reply-all count: 46 employees.
Trevor nearly fainted.
🐟 Greg Commits A War Crime
Then came Greg.
Greg the Microwave Criminal.
He walked into the kitchen carrying fish.
Hot fish.
Microwave fish.
Candice looked up slowly from her desk.
“No…” 😭
The microwave beeped.
⏳ Three minutes.
The entire office entered survival mode.
Bianca sprayed air freshener like she was fighting demons.
Kevin, the office gym addict, emerged from nowhere holding a protein shake the colour of wet cement.
“You know fish is actually excellent for gains.” 💪
Nobody answered him because Kevin had once explained protein absorption during a funeral.
📩 The Great Yoghurt Investigation
Suddenly—
PING.
Another reply-all email.
Then another.
Then another.
Michelle had accidentally started a full-office yoghurt investigation.
People were attaching evidence.
📸 Screenshots.
🧾 Fridge photos.
📅 Someone made a timeline.
Brenda the Office FBI Gossip Agent appeared beside Bianca’s desk without warning.
“I’m hearing the yoghurt wasn’t even hers.” 👀
Bianca blinked.
“How do you know this already?”
Brenda leaned closer dramatically.
“My sources.”
“Who are your sources?”
“I can’t reveal that.”
“It’s been eleven minutes.”
Brenda adjusted her cardigan.
“The walls speak, Bianca.” 🕵️♀️
📈 Gavin Has A Vision™
On the other side of the office, Gavin emerged from his office.
Gavin.
The visionary leader.
The man who used words like
✨ “synergy”
✨ “disruption”
✨ “collaborative momentum”
…unironically.
He clapped loudly.
“TEAM! QUICK FIVE-MINUTE CHECK-IN!” 😃
The staff reacted like prisoners hearing bad news.
Nobody moved.
Gavin smiled anyway.
“I really think today is a good opportunity for us to realign our collaborative momentum.”
Trevor looked physically ill.
Candice quietly opened a blank Word document titled:
📄 Reasons To Resign Professionally
📞 Dylan The “Quick Call” Villain
Meanwhile, Dylan had started hunting.
He appeared next to desks silently like a sleep paralysis demon.
“Heyyyyy…” 😐
People froze immediately.
Then he said the sentence everybody feared:
“You got two minutes for a quick call?” 📞
There it was.
The workplace equivalent of stepping on Lego barefoot.
Nobody had EVER had a quick call with Dylan.
One quick call once lasted 97 minutes and included a story about his cousin’s jet ski business.
🌪️ Total Office Collapse
Jason speed-walked past again carrying the empty folder.
Kevin was stretching next to the printer.
Samantha was rage-typing.
Greg reheated the fish.
Michelle replied-all AGAIN.
And then…
Everything went dark.
Silence.
The office froze.
⚫ LOAD SHEDDING.
A collective scream echoed through the building.
Trevor slowly stood up from his chair.
“No…” 😭
But it was too late.
📡 The WiFi had died.
People began panicking immediately.
❌ Candice couldn’t upload campaigns.
❌ Kevin couldn’t log his macros.
❌ Jason had nowhere to speed-walk to.
❌ Michelle couldn’t reply-all.
❌ Brenda lost access to office gossip channels.
And Gavin…
Gavin calmly walked into the middle of the office and said the six words that destroyed morale completely:
“Let’s use this time to bond.” 💀
The staff looked at each other in horror.
Bianca stood up first.
“No.”
Trevor grabbed his laptop bag.
“I’m going home.”
But before anyone could escape…
⚡ The generator kicked in.
The lights flickered.
Computers restarted.
And every employee received the same email notification simultaneously.
PING.
PING.
PING.
🚨 SUBJECT:
URGENT: Mandatory Team Building Camp This Weekend
Sent by:
Gavin.
The office fell into absolute chaos.
And somewhere in the distance…
💥 Greg’s fish exploded in the microwave.