Kevin Thinks The Office Is A Fitness Documentary

Kevin joined the company six months ago.
Since then… peace has become impossible.
Kevin is what happens when gym culture becomes a personality.
Every sentence Kevin says sounds like:
a podcast clip
a motivational reel
or a man trying to sell supplements from a car boot
Kevin begins every morning with:
black coffee
a protein shake
and unnecessary confidence
By 08:00 AM he’s already said:
“Discipline equals freedom.”
Nobody asked.
Kevin tracks everything.
Calories. Steps. Macros. Sleep cycles. Water intake. Breathing patterns.
One day Trevor saw Kevin tracking:
“mental sharpness.”
Terrifying honestly.
Now here’s the problem.
Kevin genuinely believes the office is part of his fitness journey.
This man meal preps aggressively.
The microwave fears him.
At least twice a week the kitchen smells like:
boiled eggs
peri-peri chicken
and unresolved gym trauma
He also tries to motivate people constantly.
Examples include:
“Bro you should try cold showers.”
or
“Sugar is basically poison.”
Meanwhile Trevor is eating a garage pie for breakfast while updating antivirus software.
Kevin doesn’t understand office exhaustion.
He says things like:
“Just wake up earlier.”
Sir. These people survived a 3-hour Teams meeting yesterday.
Still… despite being deeply annoying…
Kevin somehow remains lovable.
Mostly because he’s weirdly positive.
Even when:
the WiFi dies
the power goes out
or Cheryl schedules another wellness workshop
Kevin still says:
“Mindset matters.”
The office hates that.
But spiritually…
they also kind of need it.